Adagio Breezes

Truth

2011-12-27T12:45:00.000-08:00

i stepped away from you,

pushed you aside,

the echoes of who i was before you

calling me visit,

having lost myself in you,

thinking i had forgotten all i was.

yet you held on,

unwilling to let go,

and in my search for who i am,

for those things i thought lost,

i found you again,

discovering that who i am,

who i want to be,

resides in who we are together.

Remorse

2011-12-12T09:31:00.000-08:00

I lied

when I said I had no regrets,

I regret not asking you to wait

and I regret that you found me

so easily replaceable.

Mourn

2011-12-11T20:53:00.000-08:00

break away,

bury the heart

deeply hidden, guarded,

for what i thought you were,

what i thought you had given,

you have already taken back

and given to another.

Stolen

2011-12-11T19:37:00.000-08:00

lifeless i lay,

empty from words spoken,

yet left unsaid, you pulled me under,

teasing me with possibility,

a thief of hearts, i build

memories on nothing.

Tease

2011-12-05T14:23:00.000-08:00

heated lips delighted me

with gentle words,

fingertips brushed the bare

curves of me,

now awakened to life and possibility,

i am lost by your silence.

2011-11-23T10:45:00.000-08:00

That which lies within my chest,
not a callous heart,
it still bleeds.

I sheltered you,
built a bubble around you
keeping you safe,
you resided there in silence.

I stood outside, waiting,
hoping for an extended hand
that never came.

Affair in Two-Quarter Time

2011-04-12T14:55:00.000-07:00

I met him once,
this Reggie Watts of Maktub,
playing Folklife festival or maybe Bumbershoot,
can’t recall for sure,
but I do remember
how the lyrics and rhythm
braiding themselves into my hair,
made my feet groove.
I think
it was kismet.

Monarch

2010-10-12T10:58:00.000-07:00

butterflies tiptoe from wildflower
to wildflower, dipping tiny legs in nectar,
tasting red-orange poppies and African daisies
spreading each delicacy like butter,
xenogamy becomes next bloom.

Captive Heart

2010-08-12T09:21:00.000-07:00

i have buried my heart,
behind castle walls
forged over time with cold stone,
keeping it safe.
then you come
with your words of love,
and your warmth,
laying siege upon me
praying the castle will fall,
while I, hidden within,
pray it will not.

lost

2010-05-19T11:46:00.001-07:00

voices fill this room
yet i stand alone,
unseen.
my vision of who i am
not worthy of attention.

If Only

2009-09-15T21:02:00.000-07:00

If Only

thinking of you,
as clouds dance above,
painting pictures,
white on blue,

if you were here
we would lose ourselves in imagination,
sharing thoughts, and love,
all signs of the world fading away,

wish I could touch you
trace the curve of your lips,
catching the heat
between your eyes and mine,

underneath this brilliant sky
we would blend together, perfect fit,
this puzzle of you and me only yet
undone by distance between

it grows late
shadows wander closer,
I put away my desires, my want of you,
for a someday which may never come.

because it's too beautiful not to post

2008-10-12T19:11:00.000-07:00

I was watching Sex and the City, the movie, and there was this Love Letter written by Beethoven, called Immortal Beloved - i have to post it... it's too beautiful not to share it.

though still in bed, my thoughts go out to you, my Immortal Beloved,
now and then joyfully, then sadly, waiting to learn whether or not fate will hear us.

I can live only wholly with you or not at all. Yes, I am resolved to wander so long away from you until I can fly to your arms and say that I am really at home with you, and can send my soul enwrapped in you into the land of spirits.

Yes, unhappily it must be so. You will be the more contained since you know my fidelity to you. No one else can ever possess my heart. Never Never. Oh God, why must one be parted from one whom one so loves? And yet my life in V is now a wretched life. Your love makes me at once the happiest and the unhappiest of men. At my age I need a steady, quiet life. Can that be so in our connection?

My angel, I have just been told that the mailcoach goes every day, therefore I must close at once so that you may receive the letter at once. Be calm, only by a calm consideration of our existence can we achieve our purpose of life together. Be calm. Love me. Today. Yesterday. What tearful longings for you you. You. My life. My all. Farewell. Oh continue to love me, never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved.

Ever thine.
Ever mine.
Ever ours.

I think the tears have finally stopped...

Invisible

2008-07-22T14:08:00.000-07:00

invisible

i keep quiet,
allowing your words
to fill the silence,
too afraid to speak
and find i have nothing
valuable to say.

Loving You

2008-02-13T11:53:00.000-08:00

Loving you

i have come to realize
love is not enough
love cannot erase the pain
you bury inside,
the wall you have hiding
who you are,
why you are,
the truth of you.
you fall and will not take my hand
wallowing instead in your depression
i miss your smile,
your laugh,
and it breaks my heart to see them gone.

Emptiness

2008-01-04T13:04:00.000-08:00

The air is still

like your heart,

unmoved by beauty

unchanged by love,

memories hide in corners

garbage to be swept away

from another time,

another place. . .

now you live

emotionally crippled

in promise of a future

free of passion.

Think This of Me

2007-09-25T11:11:00.000-07:00

If i should die, think only this of me –
that I loved once, deeply
and without fear,
immersing myself completely
until it covered me, with
sticky sweet nectar
breathed it in, oxygen of life,
heart laid bare,
it became the blood
pulsing through my veins
electrified with passion
encompassing all I knew,
all I hoped,
and I lived free
breathless moment to breathless moment
when I die, remember,
I loved once,
deeply,
without fear.

Colors

2007-09-17T21:06:00.000-07:00

i was a rainbow once.
passion poured
between our lips
as we loved,
in an ocean of blues
you surrounded me
with tranquility,and
sunfilled joys
each day filled with
smiles and laughter
celebrating together,

then it changed,
you changed,
our spring shoots
became jealousy
and envy,
anger bled forth
bitter and hard,
then black covered everything
and i became nothing.

Question

2007-08-27T15:33:00.000-07:00

what comes next
when wonder has ceased, and
the ring of promise
lies stagnant,
useless without breath to keep it~
tracks of what used to be
(and what could have been)
leave only hollow impressions
briefly imprinted, and
no longer shelter hope,
becoming brittle bones,
ground to dust beneath reality’s feet.

Ohm

2007-07-18T22:07:00.000-07:00

electric current caught in
breathless gaze
your brown meeting my amber
(or sometimes green...)
drawn together, unable to pull away,
pulsing rhythm of hips and music
coming together - eyes locked -
closer, closer, melting into
golden flecked irises,
body to body and a
tango of lips and tongue.

Lilacs

2007-06-26T09:25:00.000-07:00

tangled in lilac,
its sweet delicate perfume
floating in the air,
i remember her
uncertain as to why~
maybe it is simply
that she lived there,
her soul creating the
backyard haven of laughter,
and family, and love
mingling with the lavender blossoms,
the willow tree
and the joy of living~
she has gone,
yet still i find her there
drifting gently among the bouquet.

Tangled

2007-05-15T09:16:00.000-07:00

Wound into the curls of your hair

she strangles me

as we entwine

she is there

between us ~

your past colliding

with your future,

i am here,

i am now, beside you,

let her go ~

cut out the tangles of her

scissor precision,

falling away blending

with the dust at your feet

allowing me to breathe.

hiatus

2007-03-26T21:46:00.000-07:00

sleepless nights

you are next to me
spooned up close
so i don't move,
don't dare to breathe,
unwilling to steal your peace
though mine remains amorphous

we move forward together,
so much to do
i can't find my sleep,
mind churning, spinning,
making mental lists
trying to rearrange the chaos
without waking you.

i reach out
with butterfly fingers
tracing your face
forehead to chin,
and i finally sleep
finding my serenity
in loving you.

sorry about the hiatus - it's been very hectic lately... i hope i can get back to posting much more frequently. :) thanks for checking in on me.

i remember you

2007-01-28T20:54:00.000-08:00

i remember you,
the way your lips
pressed against mine
velvet, warm~
how your tongue
tango'd with mine ~
eyes passion-locked
we threw away inhibition,
melted into each other as
edges of wrong and right blurred
yesterday and tomorrow disappeared
there was only that moment,
that time together,
stolen in the night.

I think it needs revisions but i'll work on it and repost it at some point.

death by love

2006-12-27T12:48:00.000-08:00

you take my heart,

tease it like hair

until it is wired

splayed every which way

unable to choose a direction...

you lie to me,

without question,

without reservation,

words changing with the wind

to suit you, to keep you

in your safe place

but keeping me from mine...

leaving me wondering

if all i am

is a temporary solution...

so you'll be gone tomorrow

finding that i am not enough

for permanence.

passion

2006-11-26T18:44:00.000-08:00

passion spent

i lay cocooned

in your warmth

fingers on skin,

breath for breath,

sleeping deeply

wrapped in the safety

that is you

dreams merging

with memory of our heat,

your heart,

my love.

falling in love

2006-11-06T21:24:00.000-08:00

sigh...

2006-09-27T15:53:00.000-07:00

today I carry with me
our brief moment of morning ~
your lips
soft on mine
our bodies
embracing in blush of heat
and your scent
lingering on my collarbone~
holding this moment closely
as my day edges closer
back to you~
a minute without you
seems forever
so i look to the evening
and you.

why is it that the instant we kiss goodbye i begin to miss you? how is it possible to want someone that much? what is it about you that makes me smile with expectation of hearing your voice, anticipating your touch?

i love you, baby...

hostage

2006-09-19T21:31:00.000-07:00

I turn away
unable to tell you
how much I need you -
held hostage by pride
and fear,
you see my tears
but are held back
by uncertainty
all I needed
was your arms to hold me
your words to soothe me
yet I said nothing
and you left me alone.

hope

2006-09-07T09:37:00.000-07:00

i have been here before
where love lies cold
its grave created by time
i remember the chill of loneliness
how it seeped inside me
icy fingers strangling my heart ~

yet will spring come again,
the crocus push through frozen earth
undaunted, in new life
created from where all was winter
and a hopeful breath, drawn in
thaws the chill of broken memories.

simplicity

2006-08-24T15:39:00.000-07:00

I am wrapped
in the cocoon of you
your warmth fills my veins
with heated fingers
as you lie there sleeping
your every exhale
whispers in the dark
enfolding me in cashmere
with my head on your chest
the rhythmic rise and fall
lulls me to safety
and I sigh
with the simple pleasure
of hearing you breathe.

bitter silence

2006-08-09T16:37:00.000-07:00

needing to touch you,
i reach out,
yet the warmth of my hand
finds you cold,
your back turned in icy disregard.
your silence becomes a dagger,
slicing the darkness
unable to penetrate your wall ~
i lay still,
my pain, unleashed,
drenches my pillow,
until my heart lies empty.

In Deep

2006-07-31T09:14:00.000-07:00

I feel you ~
your heart beats beneath me
as I lay down to sleep
finding a cocoon of safety

I taste you ~
your lips sweet nectar
my tongue lightly tracing
their soft curves

I hear you ~
whispers of love spill
from your mouth
wrapping me in velvet

I see you ~
you take my hand
warm hold my heart
and I am breathless.

S&M

2006-07-19T23:04:00.000-07:00

i ride your roller coaster
up
then down
as you play games with love
disregarding rules
for self-indulgence,
i quit
refuse to play
no longer hostage
to your emotional s&m.

Missing You

2006-07-03T23:26:00.000-07:00

The heat where you lay
has cooled, yet I still feel
the weight of you pressed
warmly against me, taste
the salt of your flesh
on my tongue, your lips
soft on mine,
and breathe in your lingering scent
as if you were still here
wrapped around me
instead of rushing off
to somewhere else.

I miss you already.

broken again

2006-06-14T22:07:00.000-07:00

you tease me, taunt me
draw me in
tell me you won’t
use it against me -
I open up
admitting what I kept inside
fear of this emotion, this admission
vulnerable…
then you slam the door
and all I want
is to come back inside…
it was warm there
for little while
before I allowed myself to love.

to you...where ever you are...

2006-05-30T13:37:00.000-07:00

let your eyes
make love to me,
depths of passion
flushing my skin

let me inhale you
breathing deeply
your scent erotic
blending musk and desire

let your mouth find me
longing to be kissed,
discovering my lips
moist, warm, wanting

let our bodies come together
skin to skin, closer
moving as one, in
back arching climax

then let me love you
unrestrained –
open up the whole of you,
as we lay entwined together

*looking for the HNT? Click here

hidden

2006-05-12T14:44:00.000-07:00

Keep it hidden -
curtain drawn around me
my heart protected
from tears
from possibility of pain
safe from you -
fear of exposure keeps me
so tightly wrapped
I find myself strangled.

serenity lost

2006-04-25T21:55:00.000-07:00

sounds of heartache
play across violin strings
a haunting reminder of you -
you used to sit besides me
watching the world pass by
no sense of urgency
simply content in my company,
then she came along
swept you up in her whirlwind life
each appointment drawing you away
turning you hard,
leaving behind an empty copy
to occupy the bough
of our life,
serenity vanished
with her arrival.

poetry flows from within - whether from a memory we've made or from a hope for memories we've yet to make, sometimes hopeful, happy moments and others forlorn, frightened, lonely moments. each of them full of emotion expressed or kept behind masks. mine comes out in poetry. i've yet to share much of my poetry with too many people i know - it strips me of the protection i've come to value, the wall around my true self, the emotional me.

closed...

2006-04-13T20:58:00.000-07:00

empty kisses singe
my lips, resigned
to passionless touch
afraid to feel,
else i would drown
in the pain of it

castaway

2006-03-26T09:09:00.000-08:00

Long ago
before the sky erupted
scattering the ashes of my heart
you were my everything
every breath I took
rose and fell with yours
my hopes, my dreams,
my future hinged on you,
on being with you
but somewhere
as we moved forward together
I outgrew you
shed my need of you
like snakeskin
now you no longer rub my skin
sandpaper rough -
time has been my salve.

*photo by David Julian (c)

it's over

2006-03-11T21:30:00.000-08:00

Warming my hands
against your fire
bridging the distance
between us
gaining entrance to your heart;
desire deep-rooted,
flickers
then dies ~
we used to love,
used to care,
used to need each other
like air
now, all the stuff of our dreams,
visions of what
we could be
together,
vanish,
leaving me to the unknown,
alone.

as one

2006-02-27T22:46:00.000-08:00

we steal minutes
free of constraint
or boundaries,
only you and me
drowning in passion
velvet lips like secret
whispers, tracing curves,
flesh to flesh
we become one,
and, for this brief moment
you are mine
and I am yours
and nothing else matters.

diaphanous

2006-02-07T22:17:00.000-08:00

eyes open
you don’t see me
refuse to know me

slivers of callous
words shred
my flesh, yesterdays
confetti caught
careless in the breeze

i am
invisible
empty
lost
alone

please
someone
come find me

some days emptiness threatens to overwhelm. a form of depression slides down unseen until i am covered by sadness and feel without purpose. if i were to disappear, who would know? how long before someone noticed my absence? i wonder...can anyone really know another person? you hear many stories about the suicidal - how the friends of those feel like they should have known but with the masks we all wear, the ones that hide our true emotions, can we ever really know anyone?

(looking for the hnt? click here)

secrets...

2006-01-24T10:22:00.000-08:00

secrets

standing together and
surrounded by raindrops
seduction begins in
sinful indulgence, each
sweet kiss of honeyed lips
sublime, drenching my skin,
sliding headfirst in love.

i love the rain - its pure sensuality on naked skin, the way it falls on my shoulder then slowly glides down, tasting my salt in its exploration. i lift my face up and catch raindrops on my tongue. i can't help myself though i am certain people passing by find it strange, i don't care. it arouses me in its simplicity, stimulates me with its wet seduction, and i want to take it into me like a lover.

memory

2006-01-16T10:06:00.000-08:00

adagio breezes kiss
my skin in a breath
of vanilla, and I am lost
in longing . . .
we lay together
our hearts beating in
staccato rhythm,
breathless harmony
blurring the edges
of right and wrong
as we loved
without thought
and without end.

friendship

2006-01-08T15:11:00.000-08:00

I seek you out

through dark clouds,

when all is blue around me,

and I have nothing solid

on which to hold.

I search for you

when I am treading water,

struggling to stay above

the waves of loneliness

threatening to drown me.

I hope to find you

when cold rains fall,

dropping entry

into the empty bucket of me.

I cry out for relief

and I find you waiting there

like a carpet of brilliant flowers.

quiet moment

2006-01-03T21:37:00.000-08:00

passion spent
i lay cocooned in your warmth
fingers on skin,
breath for breath,
sleeping deeply
wrapped in the safety
that is you
dreams merging
with memory of your heat,
your heart,
my love.

Click here for HNT

ghosts

2005-12-27T13:29:00.000-08:00

Emotional ghosts of
your past rise
unbidden from the scarred
graveyard of your heart
where they once
were laid to rest
but now
haunt our future.

ever been with someone whose past would not unclench its hold, not allowing them to move forward? i have a friend dealing with that. he is unwilling to let go of someone who has already let go of him. at some point you have to say good bye and allow yourself to grow from the pain of the past with the hope that it makes us stronger for the future. to forgive and forget is a strong phrase and worth trying though i'm not sure forgetting is really possible. perhaps the best we can hope for is to grow stronger in the remembrance. the other part of that is in forgiving ourselves, the self-flagellation. we cannot continuously beat ourselves about mistakes we have made without permanent damage. we have to allow ourselves to let go of the pain.

**if you are looking for the hnt... (ie this week's challenge of the "favorite" hnt) click here: temptation

daydream

2005-12-12T22:05:00.000-08:00

Sitting there
one hand cupping
your chin, brown eyes
closed in brief repose,
you are unaware of
how I long to trace
the curve of your lips
with my tongue.

hnt repeat??

2005-12-08T08:35:00.000-08:00

i loved this pic i posted over the weekend so i am leaving it up as my hnt pic. see below... happy hnt!

temptation

2005-12-02T14:12:00.000-08:00

temptation
held lightly in my hands
firm and round,
my head bends
lips meet velvet skin
unable to resist nibbling,
sweet juice drips down
my chin, my tongue finds it,
savoring every drop.

i dream alone

2005-11-27T07:50:00.000-08:00

in silent morning
i think of you
how you lay your emotions
before me,
exposing yourself,
vulnerable, naked,
yet you are not mine
you have another
so instead, i torture myself
with wondering -
do you hold her close
when the evening cools
wrapping her in your cocoon
of safety,
kiss her lips
with the warm velvet of yours,
caressing her skin, your strong fingers
touching her lost in her sighs-
as i dream alone.

unrestrained . . .

2005-11-10T12:02:00.000-08:00

i am wild and restless -
run away with me,
our passions
unrestrained
only lechery,
let’s be lustful and
self-indulgent, giving in
to all that is sensual
and wanton, breathing life
into erotic impulses, taking
and giving as we desire,
dance naked by
the ocean, then falling
to the sand in
reckless abandon, copulating in
moonlight, an
exhibitionistic display
carnality demanding satisfaction and
release, letting the waves
wash glistening sweat from us,
each wave blending with
electrical pleasure shocks within
i’ll take you inside me,
deeply,
take me on that ride,
take me hard
and fast
and furious,
i am shameless.

beggar of time

2005-11-07T15:25:00.000-08:00

a beggar for your crumbs
tossed my way savored
like manna
just bits of minutes
never enough to fill me
yet I come to you
laying myself bare,
unwilling to miss even one.

you are oblivious
scattering them to the wind
as if limitless in supply
I reach out my arms
gathering them in
yet grains of sand tightly held
still slip away and disappear
and my hands are left empty.

blank . . .

2005-10-21T20:11:00.000-07:00

alone in my room
empty thoughts echoing on
blank walls in my mind
spinning out of control.

shadows edge out daylight
though the room blinds me
staring at me whitely,
devoid of life.

that I should be here
so drained of emotion
reflects upon you
and the emptiness of you.

there are days full of emptiness where i would give anything just to be held. i have had to be strong for so much of my life and i simply want to lay it all down for awhile. let someone else hold me up. i'm empty - tired - lost. i need more than i will admit. i told someone the other day that i'm independent because people will always let me down. at some point, they always do and when i let myself get close, the harder it is when they do, so i go on as if i need nothing, need no one and pretend everything is just as it should be because i cannot no hope for more.

Broken

2005-10-13T12:23:00.000-07:00

i am becoming
but a whisper -
a gondola in pursuit of open water
stifled by the current,
lost in the tides,
my voice is a puff of smoke
scattered by the breeze
into a million tiny pieces,
your love, not as powerful
as my defenses,
bends around me
unable to warm my hostage heart.

Melancholy

2005-09-24T22:41:00.000-07:00

lost,
yet you stand within
an arm’s length –
I could reach out,
but the distance
unreachable –
unattainable –
two seconds is not enough
to sustain my heart.

empty,
yet your eyes search
out for mine –
I could cry,
but the pain of letting go
unbearable –
unendurable –
I consume the crumbs of time
you throw my way.

alone,
yet in this room
people surround me –
I could fade away,
but I’m afraid to be
unfound –
unloved –
so I simply hold on
to a single moment.

New HNT at

Adagio Breezes Too!

Racing Against Time

2005-09-16T11:52:00.000-07:00

reaching out
nothing to grasp
no hopes to hope for
no dreams to dream
just days dragging into nights
one after another
seemingly endless.
running to catch up
never quick enough
never smart enough
never brave enough,
only placing my feet
one in front of the other
lost in the speed of time
unsure where i belong
where to go
what to do
it all passes me by
without looking.
stop
i need to catch my breath –
stop
i need to find out who i am –
stop
let me see what life is about
before it all fades away.

i wrote this a long time ago, yet the emotions here still hold true. time won't stop for me and i am constantly trying to figure out what it is i want. i'm afraid once i figure it out, i'll be too old to be able to enjoy it.

Feel free to check out my other blog - the more day to day crap - at Adagio Breezes Too

Desire

2005-09-11T13:20:00.000-07:00

lotus breeze stirs
exhaling hot ashes
and desire grows
shadows disrobe in synchronous
rhythm, naked flesh
surrendering
fingers trace a path
from lip, to breast, to navel
i am lost in the rapture
of this single moment.

desires - some hidden and some expressed, some unfulfilled, some acted upon. how often do i allow myself to fully let go of everything around me and embrace a desire, completely enjoy the fulfillment of a desire. sex is one of the few times i can do that. with all the senses engaged, i simply forget everything around me, time stops, problems dissolve, inhibitions give way and i find freedom.

And for those of you partipating in HNT day - here is my first contribution. :)

Adagio Breezes Photo Blog

Quicksand

2005-09-05T21:05:00.000-07:00

falling hard
into the quicksand
sinking deeper
unable to catch my breath
drowning in you.

you stand aside
fists clenched
helpless and frozen
embracing past ghosts.

my love, unrealized,
pulls me under.

recently a friend of mine said he thought he had an "addictive personality" which he defined as not being able to do anything in moderation. he gave drinking as an example - of going out, drinking too much and getting in trouble - so he has decided to simply stay home and figure out how to be more responsible. says it's time for him to grow up. i don't have that problem. mine is somewhat the opposite. when i was 11, my mom passed away leaving behind myself, 3 older brothers, as well as a 1 and 2 year old. i lost my youth as i became responsible for my younger brother and sister. things i would never ask a 12 year old to do became my responsiblity even when my dad remarried. i got married young, had kids young, and responsible became my middle name. independence, responsibility - too much, too young - and here i am wishing i didn't have so much. wish i could toss it away some days but i can't and i won't. my kids depend on me, bills need to be paid, and hard as i try to be wild and crazy when i go out, i still do it in moderation.

i suppose this should be a good thing but sometimes it means i can't follow my heart because it may not be responsible to do so.

At War

2005-09-01T08:45:00.000-07:00

many things
kept private
behind my fortress heart,
calloused walls stand guard
sentinels concealing the past,
protecting the future -
undeterred your lips, warm, full
drip honeyed words
bleeding forth in rush of breath
chiseling away layers
i feel myself collapsing inward
falling prey.

recently my life has turned to chaos. i wish i could scream and yell, or cry on a strong shoulder but i keep it all inside believing i can deal with it myself, never admitting i need anyone, or anything. i'd love to just let it go, let someone else take control for awhile. i'm tired of being strong all the time. while i honestly do not want a full-time "real" relationship i could use just a taste of it for a few hours - the part that is simply being held in the arms of someone who cares enough to be there. i'm tired, i need to sleep, i need more time to put my head back together, i need to run away from my problems, i need to be loved, taken care of just for a little while until i can get back to not needing someone again.

Falling In Love

2005-08-25T21:57:00.000-07:00

I gazed at you
unable to look away
hypnotized by your eyes
searching my soul,
you came to me
and I touched you
unable to hide
my need for your strength
wrapped around me,
I kissed you
unable to resist
the desire for your lips
pressed against mine
then, finally,
I loved you
unable to refuse
my longing for you
spilling over my heart.

nothing deep and insighful to follow my poetry but some days that's simply how it goes. some days i just have nothing to say. maybe tomorrow will be different.

Self-Discovery

2005-08-21T20:25:00.000-07:00

Tell me the landscape
in which you live, and
I will tell you
who you are…
but my landscape is empty
colorless,
full of questions.
delve into the landscape of me,
tell me what you see inside.
find the child, scared and alone…
find my doubts,
my fears,
my inability to move forward
the empty bits of me
cowering in corners
the sadness unable to smile
in my barren landscape.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

i got to see dave matthews perform at the gorge this weekend. amazing - i had 7th row seats, the band was tight, the venue was gorgeous, and dave.... ahhh, dave... when he sings lyrics like "you wear nothing but you wear it so well, tied up and twisted the way i like to be, with you" - i melt. i mentioned (i think) in another blog that some lyrics, when removed from their music, are so horrible and could never pass as poetry. Others, however, can stand alone without the music. dave's music is in that realm.

music is in my blood - though i do not write it, i simply wish i could. i'm not sure my poetry translates into music. it would be incredible if someone, someday were to take something i had written and put it to music. to me, that would be the ultimate compliment . . .

Desperation

2005-08-17T21:10:00.000-07:00

Delicious death
release me from my pain
take away the anguish,
the crushing disappointment
of promises broken.

Once there was hope -
now only sadness lingers,
an emptiness borne
from neglect and disregard
in desperation for love.

I am someone who once believed in love, once believed in romance, once believed in fairytale endings but time has changed me, tainted my belief and jaded my dreams. I no longer trust my emotions. Given all of that I still immerse myself in life, sucking the marrow from each joyful moment. I enjoy being single - doing what I want when I want to do it. When I feel lonely it is not from lack of a significant other, it is from lack of companionship in general. I have realized that I may be alone for the rest of my life but if I have friends I need nothing more. Many people do not understand this - my father for one. His answer to everything is for me to get myself a man. When someone asks me why I'm "still" single, I am now able to simply say, I'm happy that way.

I had an IM conversation with someone that I went out with about two years ago but we hadn't spoken for about a year and a half. He got in touch with me unexpectedly - mentioned that he's getting married in 7 days and has cold feet. He's scared to death to get married again. I wanted to tell him to wait then, wait until the fear dissipated and he was sure, but who am I to tell anyone about relationships. I've had two long relationships in my life, one ended in divorce and the other ended when I became brave enough to face up to the fact that it was never going to be more than friends with benefits. I wasn't even sure what to say to him - should I reassure him that it will be okay? Should I tell him that he should wait? Or, should I do exactly what I did and just keep the conversation light and fun because I have no help to give? Maybe that's what he wanted - a little flirting, a little levity, and a moment of remembering. I hope so because that's all I could offer.

Disturbed

2005-08-15T08:48:00.000-07:00

morning thoughts come early,
deep-rooted desires
steal my solace like thieves
disarming my mind -
thoughts full of complex visions
my unattainable desires,
vanishing like dew
upon the wakening of the sun
leaving me wanting.

ahhh, unfulfilled desires. . . images of what we want rattling around in our heads yet unable to take the necessary steps for fulfillment for whatever reason. some of mine are unattainable because of finances, others because i am unwilling to be manipulative. someone once asked me if i was happy. i think happiness is all relative. it depends on what you want out of life and if you are enjoying the journey of getting there. i've never been overly ambitious when it comes to my job. i do not let it define who i am. it is only a small piece of me. so i constantly ask myself what i want from my life. i'm not sure exactly. if i could figure that out maybe i'd be more ambitious.

now, i know there are a few people who actually read my blog - thank you. comments make my day. i don't feel so alone when i get comments - don't feel quite like i'm sending my writing out to a big black hole even though that is sort of why i do this. ;) in fact, there are certain people i will not tell about this blog - not because i say anything about them in particular but because some things i talk about are not seen for certain eyes (such as my parents - lol)

Nothing Remains

2005-08-10T20:27:00.000-07:00

appetite aroused by
succulent intercourse,
I inhale,
gorging myself upon
your essence;
a momentary exchange,
designed to soothe
my starving heart,
yet I remain
as winter’s rain -
bitter cold.

the pull of attraction . . . i am immersed in it, overwhelmed by it, and i would willingly drown myself in it. immediately there is a connection that is more than just a physical chemistry, more than just a sexual attraction. there is an indescribable feeling of rightness. the magnetism of what might be entices me and when i am with him, nothing else matters. the world melts away - past, present and future disappear. . . i can't say this is love as i have not known real love before. i would say this is something intense, something new, something i do not want to let go before i have a chance to fully explore it. we don't know each other and yet we do. maybe we find in each other the escape from life we both need so desperately, at least for a little while.

Regret

2005-08-07T21:00:00.000-07:00

Regret

Twilight found her
teardrops burning
like razorblades
as she washed
the sand in silent
desperation.

moments of silent desperation. . . i think we've all probably been there, on the verge of giving up. i sometimes look at my life and wonder where it was that i went wrong, what i did that would warrant the pain, the frustration, the slow decline of dreams as i give them up to reality. do we scream? do we cry? do we even share these moments with anyone? we live in a world where emotion is hidden deep inside. tears, sadness, depression . . . these are things that no one wants to see. i wonder if perhaps its because they mirror what we hide and if we allow them to surface, we may lose the precarious control we have over our lives and if we do that, we may fall into an endless hole from which we may not escape.

Naked

2005-08-03T21:02:00.000-07:00

Soul bare
stripped
of protective armor,
I am naked,
sacrificial heart bleeds
fully exposed
to the broken
edge of love,
as my severed words fall
committing emotional
suicide.

relationships. . . i wonder many times if being in one is a masochistic tendency toward emotional pain. i never thought i was into pain but considering how many times i have tried and failed to find someone with which i can not only have a great physical relationship, but with whom i can be friends with. i know it can be done - i've seen it - yet so many failed attempts by myself as well as so many of my friends leads me to wonder. i was married for 12 years and yet he and i were never friends, we didn't even really communicate. it was emotionally abusive - i finally realized enough was enough and let go. we accept less than we deserve out of fear of being alone. i have become comfortable in my singleness. in fact, i'm not sure i could even handle a "real" relationship anymore - i've become selfish with my time. i certainly could not fathom getting married again

Distant Lover

2005-08-01T22:34:00.000-07:00

I remember the first time I saw you
there on the stage,
how your hands
weaving melodies
embraced me,
a stranger's caress,
lyrics tangling around me,
you smiled at me
set my heart leaping
like the scattering of butterflies,
I watched as your fingers
stroking intimately
stoked the fire in my veins,
as I drank you in
only whetting my thirst,
desiring your passion for music
to become a passion for me
past and future melting into shades of gray
wanting nights of velvet lips, secret whispers
unrestrained passion, and,
for this brief moment,
all else disappeared –
I was yours,
you were mine
and nothing else mattered.

Unrequited

2005-07-31T21:15:00.000-07:00

Sitting there
one hand cupping
your chin, brown eyes
closed in brief
repose, you are
unaware
of how I long
to trace the curve
of your soft lips
with my tongue.

fantasy. . . the imagination can set your mind free in so many ways but fear of what people might say, if you spoke some of these thoughts aloud, keeps us from being free. i am honest and upfront about who i am and yet, i still have secrets that i cannot foresee ever sharing. some things are better left unspoken. it's like when get that "hi, how are you" question all the time. it comes automatically with hello but does the person asking really want to know how i really am? do i really want to know how others are doing when i automatically say it? what would happen if people actually responded to that question with complete honesty instead of giving the rote response of "fine." would we stop asking or would we start caring?

Saille

2005-07-28T21:55:00.000-07:00

Saille

I found solace in the arms
of the weeping willow
my tears hidden behind the
waterfall shoots of green leaves
swaying softly in the spring breeze.

Tears spent, I wove in and out
its soft branches stroked me
a lover’s caress
comforted me within its limbs
and I found hope there.

the willow tree is the tree most associated with the moon, water, the Goddess and all that is feminine. it is the tree of dreaming, intuition and deep emotions. when I was a child the willow tree in my back yard was a safe haven and now, as an adult, I simply love to hear the wind rustling through its branches, watch it swaying as though in a private dance. It soothes me - takes the edge off the day's stresses. the following website contains the history of the power of the willow tree. http://www.whitedragon.org.uk/articles/willow.htm considering how much i am drawn to the willow tree, i found it to be quite interesting. maybe it was simply a childhood association as opposed to the "power" of the tree itself that draws me to it. whatever it is though, i simply choose to enjoy the feeling of tranquility it gives to me.

Emptiness

2005-07-27T20:09:00.000-07:00

The air is still

like your heart,

unmoved by beauty

unchanged by love,

memories hide in corners

garbage to be swept away

from another time,

another place. . .

now you live

emotionally crippled

in promise of a future

free of passion.

I read a review recently of the movie "American Beauty" - the person who wrote it had some wonderful insight into life and at the risk of being unoriginal I would like to put some of that here. ". . . time moves inexorably in one direction. Time cannot be stopped. In a physical sense the past and the future don't exist. We are only conscious in the present. Everything we do, everything we achieve, every bit of happiness we experience -- they are all eventually buried in the past by time. Recording subjective beauty is a means by which one can attempt to salvage beauty from the past into the present because time eventually destroys all beauty."

Isn't writing a form of recording beauty? Beauty resides all around if we only take the time to see it. In American Beauty one of the few scenes I distinctly remember is when Ricky Fitts is videotaping a plastic bag caught by the breeze. "It was one of those days when it's a minute away from snowing and there's this electricity in the air, you can almost hear it. And this bag was, like, dancing with me. Like a little kid begging me to play with it. For fifteen minutes. And that's the day I knew there was this entire life behind things, and... this incredibly benevolent force, that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever. Video's a poor excuse, I know. But it helps me remember... and I need to remember... Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in."

Sometimes, there is so much beauty in the world it simply fills up your heart, flows through you like rain, and in that moment, nothing else matters.

Breathe

2005-07-25T21:24:00.000-07:00

Like secret whispers
your breath warms
the dark, curls around me
in wisps of love
enfolding me
cashmere soft,
with heated fingers
tickles my neck,
shivers cascade
down my length,
wrapped in you
I sigh
at the simple pleasure of
hearing you
breathe.

Sometimes we must give in to our baser instincts - giving in to being human - release our emotions. A few people I know seem to think all should be joyful and happy yet what is happiness without sorrow? In order to experience fulfillment, we must experience loss. To feel, we must open ourselves up to pain. No one wants to have their heart broken, yet, being human and desiring to be desired, needing to be loved, we try again and again to find someone who can help us feel. No one can be everything to us - nor is it fair to expect it. We must be whole alone, like our own self before we can expect anyone else to find us attractive.

Failure

2005-07-24T13:26:00.000-07:00

What is it like,
being you,
bleeding fresh scars
an emotional chasm
unhealed by time,
attempting right yet
falling
wrong again,
days spent
seeking
holes in which
to hide away
buried
in your mental chaos.

Missing You

2005-07-22T09:40:00.000-07:00

Vision

2005-07-21T10:07:00.000-07:00

I saw a feather today
yellow fluff against blue sky,
caught in the wind it floated
solitary, high above my head
mocking me with its freedom
it’s ability to let go,
to simply be -
making my soul ache
(such a picture of beauty)
and I yearned to find
an extraordinary way of life
among such ordinary people,
I wanted to abandon today,
run into the orange sunset
find what made it free
abandoning all thought for tomorrow.

Passion

2005-07-18T10:20:00.000-07:00

I could not capture
your lips
with mine -
taste your salt
upon my tongue -
though we entwined
in synchronous rhythm -
palm to palm,
hip to hip,
in heated release.

Poetry can be simple or complex, full of passion or simply a description. My favorite poems, those I've read and those I've written and full of passion, emotional outpouring - we are, or should be - people full of passion. As it said in Dead Poet Society - "We don’t read and write poetry because it’s cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life but poetry, beauty, romance, love – these are what we stay alive for." I couldn't have said it better myself. Without passion we are empty - what is your passion? What invigorates you, keeps you motivated, gives you hope? Find your passion and relish in being alive and you will be filled with poetry.

Deadly Silence

2005-07-17T11:25:00.000-07:00

Avoiding the silence
drawing thoughts from within
preferring to be mind numb
drowning in sounds -
music blaring, television playing -
a cacophony to sink into
hiding under its blanket of protection
saved from reverie,
impatient to move on yet
unwilling to step forward
solitude becomes not a friend
but an enemy.

Too much silence - it surrounds me with its deafening quiet forcing me to think about life, about goals, about myself, where I want to go, where I am now. I talk about how we all live shallow lives - I include myself in this though I would prefer that I didn't. I am not who I want to be - not as a good a friend, lover, daughter, mother, person as I know I could be. It's selfishness that keeps me from it. When does it become selfless, when do I find the courage to stop wondering what I'm getting out of it before I start giving without that thought to stop me. Every day waking up, starting over with the goal of doing better - can't do it alone and no one will honestly let you in. Walls built around hearts to protect themselves from emotional pain, unwilling to take the risk of letting someone in. I value my friendships - but am I doing enough?

emotional s & m

2005-07-16T10:12:00.000-07:00

you take me
on a roller coaster
up
then down
playing games with love
disregarding rules
for self-indulgence,
I quit, refuse to play,
through feeling helpless
with your emotional s&m.

Why is it that everyone seems to think that the mask they wear is so imperative to living, spending their lives weaving deceit thinking it makes them better or more attractive. Honesty- up front, in-your-face, smack you on your butt honesty - when it so infrequently occurs, is so amazingly refreshing - that cool breeze on a hot day kind of refreshing. We have become empty shells waiting to be filled by something else, by someone else, and rather than seeking out what we want,wait for it to be dropped in our laps. We are lazy - unwilling to give up creature comforts even momentarily. We have become superficial in friendship, in love, in life. What a sad society we have become.

Lunchtime Flirtation

2005-07-14T21:21:00.000-07:00

The sun goddess demands attention
her heat emanating from sidewalks,
ricocheting off buildings,
burning my skin ~ yet
adagio breeze
strokes my skin,
teasing like a lover,
playfully lifting my skirt,
caressing my thighs in cool repose
and I, in admiration of such prowess,
worship its flirtation.